Conflict – Not Just Leadership

For everything we do, creating, leading, decision making, someone will not like it. Especially if you put your work out for others’ consumption. A blog, a vlog, emails to coworkers about a new project you want to start, a picture on social media of a sculpture you made; some people will say negative things about your work. It can be hard at first to hear people say you are an idiot and tear your work apart, but you need to get over it and realize it will happen. You cannot be liked by everyone all the time.

In an organizational leadership context, the people that work under you will not like all of your decisions, or your ideas, or your initiatives. If you have formal or positional power over these people, you will have to work very hard to get them to tell you to your face when they disagree with you. This conflict is uncomfortable, it does not feel good not to wrong or when people don’t like your idea, but debate and sensemaking strengthen ideas. Questions about your ideas are often interpreted as attacks on the idea or attacks on you as a person. This is rarely the case; we need people to question our ideas so we can exercise their validity before we put them into operation. Without this key function, we lose precious time and energy playing catchup when we could have discovered the flaws and developed solutions through debate early in the process.

Not everyone will have to the courage to be candid with you even when you are open to feedback and take time to cultivate an environment that embraces candor. Some people simply lack the courage to disagree with people in person. You will have people that enjoy criticizing you when you leave and trash your ideas when you are gone. This is a culture issue; if you can get them out of the organization, it is best to do so. I’m not talking about people that are having a healthy debate about issues in the workplace. I’m talking about the people that will say negative things about any ideas just because they are a departure from the norm. Find people that fit the culture you are going for, we don’t need people to be parrots, have the courage to dissent from the person in charge, challenge traditional thoughts, let people think you are crazy.

Ultimately, we need to embrace the mental exercises that take us through ideas. If you are unwilling to entertain your people’s different ideas with even a discussion, why should they support yours with anything more than minimal compliance?

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It is great to join a new team when you have had education and training in leading teams. Sitting back and recognizing what the team is doing even though they are unaware. It can seem a little sinister or arrogant, but I enjoy taking a team through the stages of a team and making them a great team. I am not what makes the team great; the team is what makes the team great.

Currently, I’m in charge of a team that has made getting along with one another a priority over everything else. The team believes they are respectful and that they are a well-functioning team because of how well they get along. It was comical seeing the looks on all their faces when I told them they were a dysfunctional team and had not even started to perform as a team. Looks of skepticism, annoyance, and shock were all around. I explained to them that it was perfectly reasonable and we would work on it. They were not satisfied with that answer, so I told them “We need to be deliberate about creating trust and conflict. We cannot be so worried about upsetting each other that it costs us growth, improvement, and team progress.” Now I have their attention, and they ask, “So what do we do?” “We create trust and conflict!”

Creating trust and conflict happens mostly at the same time. Creating trust is easier than it may seem, but is hard if you are not deliberate in your attempt to create it. The best way to build trust is to be truthful. Many confuse this with the brutal truth or saying everything just because it is true. You wouldn’t, or shouldn’t tell your mom her new haircut is bad, so don’t say it to your employees. Follow through is a great way to build trust. Saying you will do something and then actually doing it is very powerful. On the other side of this is not following through. Doing so will ruin the trust you have gained in an instant. For those times when you can’t follow through on your words, be honest about it and own it. Making excuses for your failure might make you feel better, but your people will see right through it, and this will further damage your relationship and reputation.

Create conflict. Creating conflict on purpose sounds counter-intuitive and can be tricky. Most people/teams/organizations practice conflict- avoidance not conflict-management. The key is to stop being so nice that you cannot tell someone when they are doing a bad job. Like I described with my team above, everyone was so worried about avoiding conflict that they accepted mistakes and mediocre work. I had to force some members of the team to see the harm it was causing the team. I gave them clear directions on what questions to ask the rest of the team and coached them on how to handle the various answers.

The conflict came quickly, and the team is still working on trusting each other. We have meetings scheduled, and over the course of the next few months, the team members will get to practice on how to be vulnerable with the team and receive constructive criticism. I’m excited to lead their progress!

Tag: Conflict

People Will Hate You

Deliberate Trust & Conflict

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